Iron Mike

Tyson once famously said
everyone has a plan until they get 
hit with bank of America overdraft fees

the plan was rise and grind
nootropic stacks and every week a new plate on the squat rack
hustle culture like your favorite c-suite execs you followed on LinkedIn
like the 23yr-old ceo of a tech startup dedicated to datemaxxing
seems indistinguishable from tinder the way he describes it in his daily posts 
far as you can tell he is just the ceo of LinkedIn posts 
honestly seems like this motherfkr’s  all vibes no code 
if he was actually about it, how’s he in a different coastal club spending bitcoin every night
every day a friday, every season the summer
this multinational playboy with his multinational toes in Mediterranean sands
sipping and spilling mojitos, his taxless hands at play all paid overtime
grindset or jetset, is there a difference anymore? 

unless he’s ai…
he probably has an ai assistant 
      hey claude edit this photo
prompt: 
hot, yoked, miami skin, and billionaire attitude 
      ok yes, but also vibemaxxing 
      ok yes, but also add attractive yacht girls but not too skinny
      ok yes, but also insert my boys here are their pics
      ok but why does this not even look like me anymore never mind 

the 23yr-old ceo says in his next post “if you’re not prompting your life, somebody else is”

this wasn’t supposed to be
the plan was not to get conned into a meme-of-the-month crypto scam 
secretly orchestrated by their favorite undereducated billionaire podcast darling 
but it was a sure bet
are you a winner or a loser he said
it was really that simple
don’t be a loser.
worse, their moms told them not to do it
it definitely sounds like a scam they said
their mothers, who were paying to play farming games on facebook
spending $10 per head of cow
the mothers knew not how to read the prophecy 
written in the trends, and volume, and price action of volatile crypto markets
this thrill 
only winners knew
the trillions to be made by any man who wanted to be a winner the most
all men equal here it was like the wild west
and now they are bleeding out
outside the saloon of their dreams
without a dame to cradle their head in a cloud of lace, billowing skirt

there was a plan until the email with the eviction notice slid under the apartment door
that came a month after they were let go
the same day they were scheduled for a promotion
from the company that had covertly installed behavioral logging software on their computers
and had secretly been using their labor to train their a.i. replacements 
the plan never included a.i. scabs and denied balance transfers
getting kneecapped by student debt and dropped from health insurance plans 
and subsequent drug abuse as a means of survival
ketamine and weed were like respirators for their minds
the liquor went down every night like thirsty thirsty savannah lions 
like the dream of founding a ranch in Montana, a paddock full of horses and hot rods
with a tatted trad wife with beautiful hair that kisses your cheek when you sleep
part-time influencer part-time mother to your little spartans
who bakes the best blueberry pies and can shoot an apple 
off a bale of hay at 50-yards with your AR-15 
and parents that say
you’ve really won the lottery with this one
a life that would have to wait
waking with a maw of white glue, only water in the mornings
affirmation after affirmation, stuck in traffic on their way to work
so many chesty millionaires selling how-tos for the lowlow for only the next 24hrs
it was becoming a daily pattern
and there was a dog that died too
this was the worst part
he was a dopey Bernard named Saint Jude 

A new plan
you should use the last of your upper credit limit to buy a tiger
buy a real big Asian tiger with your Amex
one that has a fondness for copious amounts of terrible flesh 
just like you 
chicken breast, flank steaks, and smores flavored protein shakes
you look into the eyes of the big cat 
at night in the darkness staring up at your ceiling
he is you
the cat too big to be anyone’s pet
you are too big to be anyone’s pet 
he is your twin why not take him to Vegas
max out your Mastercard and win it all back
and invite some show dancers back to your room 
to show them your tiger you’ve named Saint Elon
buy that tiger don’t think about it
losers would think about it
are you a loser?
think about it. 
if this plan proves too difficult you know a guy that might get you a Florida bobcat 
and if Delta has a policy prohibiting the transportation of large predatory animals 
Vegas can wait, you have a sports betting app on your phone
Glory, a tap away 
besides you played sports in high school
it just makes so much sense to you like how imagined currency makes sense 

what happens when two men put on ten-ounce gloves
and have the exact same plan 
and they meet in the capital dimension
how about an unplanned plan, at some point you realized this was always the plan
two plans becoming one
what if every man on the face of the earth has the exact same plan?

And sometimes I think about that
and in ’97 when Mike had enough of a plan and just said fuck it
took a vicious, whole world-sized bite out of Holyfield’s ear
had no regrets
you wanna live with no regrets
all you wanted was your own holy field