[FICTION][12/02/25]The Launch of Tony the Legend
by Lannie Pihajlic
Tony was hot to trot, dolled up in his white shorts. His sister, Elsa, said they were too short, but he didn’t care. He also couldn’t care less that they were white and it wasn’t even Memorial Day yet. It was the weekend before. Big deal. He was his own man and did his own thing. He was a rule breaker. No one could stop him from going out, not his mom, or Elsa, not even his Algebra homework. He would not be denied his destiny. He was Tony, with a capital T! Capital T-ony, The One & Only.
Tony looked into the bathroom mirror and clucked his tongue. The view was all him and the ancient green bathroom tiles his mom probably had installed before he was born. He slid his brush along the side of his head. It was liberally coated with Malin & Goetz Hair Pomade, which slicked his hair back on the sides, giving Tony his lustrous sheen. The middle of his head from his bangs to his mullet were left un-slicked. It was a mess of frizzy, brown curly hair. Dusky hair, leading-man hair. The first and only girl he had dated (so far!), Sheryl, told him his hair looked like a mop of pubes. Tony was happy when it was over between them, even if Sheryl had left him. She didn’t get him. His maverick status was probably too much for her.
Tony looked in the mirror and practiced his smile. What’s that? Something green was stuck to one of his canine teeth. Broccoli? Dang, that bad boy has been hitching a ride since lunch hours ago. He deftly moved his tongue like a wind-shield wiper and removed the veggie stowaway. Flushed that sneaky Klingon into my stomach’s trash compactor. Shut down all the garbage mashers on the Detention Level! Nope.
He smiled again, trying to make it as big as possible. His smile pulled up a little higher on the left. Ouch! The festering zit where his nostril met his cheek was still-hidden, but it was a burgeoning Whamo of a zit, the kind he called a subversive volcano. Gonna pop you later. Now was the time to shine.
After Sheryl split, Tony had a crush on Mariah. Well, until Mariah said his smile was like a “creepy ass Grinch smile.” Okay, yeah, that one hurt. He knew for sure he didn’t have as many teeth as the Grinch. Anyhow, he thought he looked great.
He winked at himself, shot himself with his finger gun and clucked. Toight! I’m ready for a night out on the town.
Tony stepped into the dining room and leaned against the table, humming the intro to Dragon Ball Z. He looked down on the table and saw Elsa had put her dumb purple Frozen-themed backpack on top of his. Elsa and Anna stared starry-eyed at each other as if about to break into song. No! He pushed her backpack over.
Tony pulled out his 9th-grade Algebra textbook from his backpack, opened it to a random page on something called polynomials, and set it on the table. He felt like he was a spy planting a fake bomb to distract the bad guys so he could get away.
What else? He grabbed some class notes from his backpack and thumbed through them. They were incomplete and he remembered he had fallen asleep in class that day. He’d woken up because two other kids next to him were laughing that he was drooling on his desk. Freshmen jocks suck. They’re just jealous I can sleep at will.
Tony set down his notes next to his textbook and placed a pencil next to them to help shore up his planted evidence. Gots to hid the crime.
Tony picked up his phone and called RJ. “Hey RJ.”
RJ said, “Hey, Tone—the man, the legend.”
“Damn straight, almost ready, R-dog. Be seein’ ya in a twinkling of the eye.”
“In a twinklin’.” RJ and Tony spoke their own language. We both speak TRJony. Haha. Good one. He’d have to remember to tell RJ.
“You can’t go out. Mom said you have to finish your algebra homework!” Elsa said from the living room.
Ugh! She’s so annoying! Tony peeked his head into the living room. “Can so, eavesdropper! Don’t tell me what to do, Elsa! Besides, I already did my homework.” His eleven-year-old sister was laying on the couch, watching Twilight for the hundred-millionth time. She used to watch Frozen until she got into her tweens, though she’d never let it go completely because she had the same name as the lead. Elsa twirled her long red hair in one hand while loudly chewing on Dubble Bubble.
“No, you didn’t do any homework. You were getting all made up for RJ. Plus, you’re supposed to make me dinner,” Elsa said, not bothering to look at him.
“Make your own dinner, Lame-o! Anyone can make a Leggo waffle.”
Elsa looked over her shoulder at him and gave a cold smile. “Well, I’m telling.”
Tony had had enough. He strutted right up to the couch, and brought out his awesome artillery. “This Movie Blows, This Movie Buh-Lows!”
“Stop it, Tony!”
“This movie is just slow-motion scenes of actor’s hair blowing from a wind machine.”
“Shut up!”
“Edward is such a dumb vampire name. Why does he cringe his nose every time he’s in the same room with Bella? It’s like every scene he smells her farts or something.”
“Just go! I can make my own dinner. Mom says I’m almost a woman now anyways.”
Tony did something he rarely did when fighting Elsa: he shut up. She probably is developing eggs or whatnot. Gross!
Elsa started snickering.
“What’s so funny, Elsa the Woman?”
“XYZPDQ,” Elsa said between giggles.
Tony looked down and saw his fly was unzipped. He spun around, zipped up, and walked quickly towards the back door. Elsa was still laughing. “You and RJ can both walk around with your zippers down together!”
“Shut up, you little turd. Don’t choke on your Leggo!”
Tony texted RJ: Be a few minutes later, R-dog. Elsa tried to slow me down with her ice powers. I prevailed.
RJ immediately texted back a rising fist emoji.
Tony and RJ went way back, like almost two whole years back, having met at a LARPapalloza event in Denver. (Most people didn’t know Live Action Role Playing was still a thing, but most weren’t Tony and RJ). RJ’s half-orc cleric totally grokked Tony’s barbarian monk. Their friendship grew even deeper when they both discovered they were into action figure action photography. It was one of those mystical sublime pairings The Universe bequeaths, like Peanut Butter meeting Jelly.
Tony taught RJ how to take his pictures to the next level by combining Star Wars action figures and fireworks. Tony had even sold one of his photographs at a Starcon: his Boba Fett action figure with a well-timed bottle rocket so it look like he was really flying. RJ said it was pretty rad. And it was.
He was annoyed their Boba Tea photo didn’t sell though, which had Boba in a plastic cup of bubble boba tea. It was too meta apparently for the general populace of Muggles. Regular people that weren’t magical like him and RJ. Duh Gens. Tony liked RJ for a friend. He was an easy laugh. And it was a loud laugh. Everywhere you went with RJ, people were looking at you. This cat was puking out chortles, but it was cool because unlike a sitcom laugh, it was real and totally infectious. RJ’s laugh made you laugh, too.
Plus, RJ was rich. Like Elon rich (but unlike that skeez Musk, RJ was actually a good gamer). RJ liked to buy dinner just to show off his money. Tony shamelessly mooched off of RJ because he let him. One time the guy at the comic book store pointed out that RJ always bought Tony’s comics. Tony said, “That’s because he’s got R-Jillions of dollars.” No one laughed, which he thought was because they were too stunned by his wit. His jokes slayed people like the Alien Monster of the Week did to the red-shirts on Star Trek.
Tony went through the back door that led to his back porch. There, at the end of the porch, a gleam of sunlight alighted on his urban steed—Donner. Donner was a 2016 Vespa GTS 300, AKA the Super Sport. Donner shone in the sun like Galadriel, calling to him. In Elvish, or Quenya, if you were ‘in the know.’
“Be patient,” Tony whispered to Donner, as he deftly booted the kickstand up and freed Donner’s wheels for rolling. They rolled forward majestically, crushing some leaves Tony had missed while raking the backyard last weekend. His mom would be cheezed about the still-lingering leaves, so the sound of their demise was even more satisfying. I’ll crush them to teeny bits and she’ll never even know. Muahhaha. Tony pushed Donner into the unlocked back gate. It creaked as they thrust through. The barrier no match for them. Nothing could hold them back, not even the fact he only had his learner’s permit. Breaking the Law!
Once in the garbage-reeking alley, Tony mounted his metallic stallion. Like Odin climbing upon Sleipnir. He caught a quick glance of himself in Donner’s side mirror. “Oh, almost forgot,” he said aloud. His necklace was still sheathed in his shirt. That wouldn’t stand. He needed all of his accouterments in play on this fine evening. Time to release the Beast. He reached down into his shirt and fingered his steel pendant. “There she is,” Tony said approvingly. He pulled her out. The silver metal shimmered in the sunlight, its capital metal letters spelling—THE TONE. He patted the pendant as he lay it on his mighty chest. Last week it was a baby bird’s chest, but this week he had twice done a set of push-ups. He got up to 5 reps on only the second day.
Tony pulled out of his front pocket the final coup de grâce of his lady-killing outfit, which were his mirrored sun-glasses. RJ got a pair for them both after they watched the 2017 movie, Chips. They still occasionally called each other Jon and Ponch.
Tony slid on his mirrored specs and nodded at himself in the side mirror. “Alright, Slayer. Let’s Ride!”
Tony cruised down Logan Street. The afternoon sun came down through the leaves in dappled light. Soon enough it would be that magical time known as twilight. He liked the real twilight, (not the movie!), because it was the Tween of Times. In 7th-grade biology he learned of crepuscular animals, like lions, who became active during twilight hours. The wind blew back his curly, mulleted mane. He was a male lion, out on the prowl! Roar!
He thought of Elsa laughing at him and threatening to tattle. He shook his head. That wouldn’t bring him down. Tonight, everything felt just right.
Well, his nose was running on account of his allergies. Shoulda checked the pollen count before I left, stashed an emergency Zyrtec. Ah, just let it run-and-gun. I’m a rebel. Rebel Alliance Jedi Master.
Some liquid mucus dripped into his mouth. It wasn’t his fault he was a mouth-breather. He deftly shot his tongue out. This bounty hunter is my kind of scum. Salty—yum! It’s like a pre-dinner appetizer.
He saw a woman walking with her red yoga mat, staring at him. She knew a lion when she saw one. Get in the back of the line, sweetheart.
“Two bros out on the town!” Tony said as he revved Donnor’s throttle, which sadly was tamely quiet, down the street.
He gunned Donner up to 25 MPH. He liked to tease The Ladies. The speed limit was only 20 during school hours anyways, but for Tony, there were no rules on this open road. Nothing and no one could keep him from his destiny.
LANNIE PIHAJLIC lives smack dab where the Great Plains meet the Rocky Mountains, with his wife, two poodles, and two cats. He is a former college biology teacher (shudder) and current art teacher (chef’s kiss). When not writing or making art, he likes to find inspiration in Nature.